I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
