I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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