Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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