over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize
