Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
