This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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