You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Randomize
