I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Randomize
