My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
