its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
