I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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