Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I am in a vortex of obligation.
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scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
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He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?