Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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