I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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