just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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