Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Randomize
