We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
