I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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