When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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