Will you blow on my dice?
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
