I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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