The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
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My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
We smell like vodka and hangover
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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