How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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