Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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