I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
