Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
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