I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I can't turn off my feet"
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.