I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
