please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.