Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
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We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
He called his prostate his "boner button".
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Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.