we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
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There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
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Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.