Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
