I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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