Your dad touched me again.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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