fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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