So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
