dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
