May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
