Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
you traded sex for a burrito?
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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