You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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