I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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