he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Randomize
