I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
So vagazzling was a success
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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