So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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