Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
