I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
