Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
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I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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