Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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