My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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