My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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