I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
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