I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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