i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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