this beer tastes like vomit already
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
