God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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