my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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