Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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