I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
well most of my day revolves around power hour
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
