In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
