You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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