Its a bunch of hippies dancing in front of a stobe light. For ten dollars I could have gone to the strip club and at least had a lap dance
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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